Auntie Sylvanas
by Azshara Glace Lesoleil
Summary: Auntie Sylvanas or Auntie Fizzle answers your prayers if you join the army of the dead hahaha!
1. New segment new blabber

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_I have a husband who is a paladin, and he is very sweet, but he always keeps talking about the Light. At the dinner table, at work, at home, in the garden... everywhere! He has even started shouting about it when we are in bed! Recently, he has also started claiming that he does other things in the name of the Light, not just vanquishing evil. For instance, when he ate our sons birthday cake he claimed that he had done it 'For The Light!', and when he neglects to take out the trash he leaves it just inside the door 'for The Light!' Please, Auntie Sylvanas, what should I do? _

_Mrs. Janice Lightbringer of Stormwind_

Greetings Janice,

Devotion to a cause is always a worthy thing, but just sometimes it can go too far. Evidently you have tried talking to your husband about this problem. If that doesn't work, then I suggest you talk to a few warlocks and develop a healthy interest in the ways of Shadow. Then whenever you don't feel the desire to cook dinner, you can always declare it as being 'For the Darkness'. He'll soon get the idea. And why am I helping you your Alliance

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_Many years ago, I was married to a lovely woman and we lived happily in Stratholme. But when the Scourge came, we were separated and she was killed. I have since married again and am very happy. But recently I have learnt that my former wife has now risen as an Undead and is living in the Undercity of Lordaeron. I have also learned that she still loves me and considers me to be her husband. What should I do? _

_Gerald Crowe of Goldshire_

Greetings Gerald,

A healthy spray of air freshener tends to keep those pesky Undead away. If that doesn't work, just buy her a pink dress. No self-respecting Undead would be seen… dead… in pink. And thats a violation of the code I made and I can just kill you too I mean if you want it will be good te get extra people to join my army of the dead.

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_I recently placed a wanted poster in Orgrimmar for the head of the false warchief Rend Blackhand. Now all these people keep turning up to claim the bounty, all carrying heads. I wouldn't mind so much, but the smell of all those heads is terrible. What should I do? _

_Valkasha of Orgrimmar_

Greetings Valkasha,

A surplus of heads can be turned to good usage. Have you considered making a sculpture out of them? Or perhaps you can give them to the orc orphans to play football with. You could always turn them in for bounty rewards yourself. Or make a museum. They do say that skulls are an orc girl's best friend.

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_I maintain a small farm in the Tirisfal Glades. Whilst I am constantly fighting off these Undead who want to steal my pumpkins, I have found a new problem. Murlocs! The murlocs keep coming out of the sea, running all over my fields and stealing my seeds. What can I do? _

_Farmer Jack_

Greetings Farmer Jack,

A murloc invasion is a terrible thing. Even I sometimes lie awake at night hearing that gargling sound. However, perhaps you can turn the situation to good fortune. Have you considered hiring the local Undead to kill murlocs instead of stealing pumpkins? I am sure you could get away with paying them with rusty weapons or ragged armor. Failing that, just cook some smelly fish stew and leave the windows open. Even murlocs don't like to see their cousins being cooked into a delicious stew. And thats good I can get my undeads to kill your tomatoes too!:-D


	2. New problems new answers I

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_Since succumbing to the plague some years ago, I have since risen as an undead. Mostly I have found the benefits of the condition to outweigh the disadvantages. But one problem remains: my hair! No matter what I do with it, my once gorgeous hair now sticks out everywhere, in all directions. Any attempts to comb it just results in clumps falling out. Auntie Sylvanas, what can I do? _

_Ms Helga Parker, Undercity._

Greetings Helga,

Unfortunately, being a zombie can have a negative effect on one's appearance. There are a few things you could do though. Perhaps you could shave all your hair off? Being a bald undead is quite in fashion at the moment. Or you could try washing large amounts of super-sticky glue into your hair. Once in place it won't move again. Just be careful not to bang your head against anything or you may find more in your hair than you wanted. Hold on and by the way for bragging I still have beautiful hair haha!

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_I'm a Gnomeregan exile living in Ironforge. The other day, I spotted the most beautiful gnome girl ever in Tinker Town. She had wonderful pink hair and a cute nose and... Oh my… my heart stopped. Fortunately I have a clockwork replacement in case of emergencies- such a wonderful invention. I think that someday…but I digress. Auntie Fizzle, how can I get this girl to notice me? I'm a rather shy gnome. _

_ Master Nimbo Zintree of Ironforge ( Tinker Town)._

Greetings Nimbo,

Romance can be hard for anyone, but you need to remember that it's no different for gnomes. You just need the right pick-up line. Here are a few you can try:

"Is there an airport nearby, or is that just my clockwork heart taking off?"  
"Where's my time-stop device, this moment should last forever!"  
"Do you have change for 1000 gold?"

And for your information you can never get a girl haha..i'm not making you feel better if yes well thank you!:-)

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_My husband is a warlock, and has mastered the dark arcane arts of shadow and demonology. I'm very pleased for him, but recently he has been spending more and more time with his succubus named 'Aelneth' and less with me. I'm sure there's something going on. Am I being paranoid? or maybe i'm just not pretty _

_Klarissa Cartwright of Stormwind._

Greetings Klarissa,

Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and most succubi are incredibly attractive. I would imagine that Aelneth is more attractive than you. But men will be men and will chase after the most attractive one. So of course you are not paranoid, and of course this situation is not tenable. The solution is simple. Either make yourself more attractive (I gather there are some surgeons in Undercity who specialize in new faces and bodies), or feed the succubus lots of muffins and cherry pie until she explodes. Easy. or maybe you are right maybe you arent pretty at all! I mean he prefers his summoned creature than you so I am right your not pretty the only person to marry you must be desperate

_Dear Auntie Sylvanas, _

_Thank you for your wise advice last time. The murlocs have now gone from my farm. But now I have a new problem. Dwarves! A group of dwarves have set up an archeological dig in my pumpkin field, claiming there are relics of their lost civilization down there. Now, I know that the only thing in my pumpkin-field is pumpkins. What should I do? man you made my tomatoes rotten too thanks alot(Ironicly) all my farmer buddies are dead by food poisoning _

_ Farmer Jack._

Greetings Farmer Jack,

I'm glad my advice worked for you last time, and I hope I can assist you again. Dwarven archeologists can be particularly stubborn, but like most infestations, they can be cleared away with a little bit of thought. Have you considered hiring goblin guards? However, here is another solution. Dwarven archeologists are investigators looking for the next clue. So all you need to do is to plant some evidence into the dig site that makes it clear that the humans had done it in Southshore with the candlestick. The dwarves will be off like a flash. And go drown yourself in Southshore if you wanna loose all your problems and by the way all your farmer buddies are waiting to destroy you since you gave them food poisoning good luck dealing with that.


End file.
